Run Forrest, Run (and other great insults)

Internet trolls existed before the internet.

They used to drive by me while I was running, roll down the window, yell out something like ‘Nice shorts loser!’ and then drive away.

Throw a punch and run.  Troll style tough guys.

And so clever.  I wear running shorts.  They’re short.  You got me.  Ahhhhh…..

Nowadays they drive by me, yell something clever and then go home to their chatroom kingdoms where they tell everyone how much they suck from the safety of their parent’s basement.

If you’ve run your share then you’ve been insulted by some wannabe tough guy/girl.  If you haven’t you’re in for a treat.

All you running trolls are so clever.  Let’s look at some of your greatest hits as overheard by the Running Man.

5- ‘Hannah Montana Rules’- I was running down Pond street in Braintree on a 16 miler when a car full of girls yelled this out to me.  Well I’ll have you ladies know that while I am not a Hannah fan ‘Party in the USA‘ is the JAM.  So there.

4-‘Nice shorts, Sweet boy’- Yeah… you got me on that one.  I am pretty sweet (they used another word that I’m not touching).

And my running shorts are short.  You’ve opened a real wound there.

That’s serious.  Not that serious, but once upon a time I was hung up on running apparel and how goofy it was.  I had some trouble in high school accepting that running was my sport.  It’s only popular every 4 years, the clothing (short shorts and tights) is uncool, we do a workout called Fartlek (For the LOVE OF GOD call it a TEMPO RUN), we’re skinny, everyone hates running, it hurts like hell sometimes.  I could go on.

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You know Patrick Swayze didn’t want to say ‘No one puts Baby in the corner’.

‘You expect me to say that line, do you,’ he reportedly said.  Then he gave the line and Cinema will never be the same again.  It’s in the top 100 most quotable movie lines.  EVER.

I’m not ashamed to admit I love this movie.

According to Swayze he had to figure out a way that he could say it and stay true to the character.

Similarly I had to figure out a way to wear running shorts and tights and accept this is my sport.  Gotta do it and stay true to me.  Steve Prefontaine helped me accept this.

You can wear short shorts and be cool.  Thanks Pre.

I do TEMPO RUNS though.  I ain’t calling it that other name.

3- ‘Hey, you’re a p*ssy.’

Yes.  I am.  No arguments here.  Several passing motorists have pointed this out to me over the years and they can’t be wrong.

Enjoy the ride back to your Sister’s basement.  See you on Catfish next season.

4- ‘You got a f*#kin’ problem?’

I was running through the back lot of the Braintree Plaza.  There was a ton of snow melt and HUGE puddles.  This little ’93 shitbox drove by and tried to spray one of the puddles onto me.  I gave them the finger.

The car stopped.

And it was like a clown car.  Like 15 Dudes stepped out.

Alright it was more like 4.   But they were listening to Tupac and their hats were turned around.

‘You got a f*#kin’ problem.’

‘No.  I love it when cars try to spray water all over me.  Love it!’

When they chased me I ran away.  Remember #3. I’m a p%ssY

5- ‘Run, Forrest, Run’

By far this is the most original one out there.  I mean, the first time I heard it my mind was so blown.  Forrest Gump runs.  I run.

Mind blown.

The ensuing 5,000 times I heard it I was able to discern deeper shades of meaning and subtle insight in each one.

So clever, no one has ever thought to yell that at a runner.

Sometimes people even get violent.  I have a friend who was purposefully hit with a car door.  They just opened it up, whacked him, and drove away.

A guy threw a full beer can at my friend Craig and I in college.  Just drove right up and tossed us a cold one at twenty miles an hour.  ‘Get his license plate,’ I said.  We checked the plate.  It was a piece of cardboard cut into the shape of a license plate with ‘T BONE’ written across it.  We had to stop and catch our breath we were laughing so hard.

T Bone gave us the great gift of laughter and foamy Budweiser.  We let him pass.

Ahh T Bone…  What heights have you ascended to.  I imagine you work in a prestigious law firm where people value your opinion and say things like ‘I don’t know what we’d do without T Bone.’

A car once drove by, slowed down and threw a full coffee at me.  They missed.

And then got stopped at a light ahead.

Idiots left the window open.

And got served by yours truly.

Karma bitches.

I’ve become jaded.  A car drove up alongside me a couple years ago and beeped.  I turned and flipped the driver off, expecting the worst.  It was my friend Jack.  ‘Just sayin’ hi.’

Sorry Bro, thought you were someone else.

The OG trolls are getting vicious though.  Especially with women:  Cat calls, body shaming, pick up lines.  Ladies are nodding their heads right now.  There’s a reason some girls refuse to run at night.

I get it.  If you want to meet a classy woman running down the street the logical thing to do is whistle and yell out ‘show me your tits.’  ‘Cause you KNOW that guys who get laid yell shit like that every chance they get.

A girl I know was cat called, turned and asked the guy ‘has that ever worked?’

He had no reply.

Recently I was running a TEMPO RUN down Dot ave and a jeep drove alongside me, the window rolled down and a girl put her head out the window.

I’m indifferent at this point.  I’ve been told to have sex with myself.  I’ve been told I’m less of a man.  Do your worst.

‘You got this.’ she shouted.

I gave her a thumbs up.

She gets it.

No one puts the Running Man in the corner.