Don’t sh*t your pants

Warning!

I’m about to go there.

Run enough and this will happen to you but no one else wants to talk about it.

You’ve been warned.

Your senses are heightened.  You’re alert, focused, hyper aware.

Every step is calibrated for maximum velocity, your muscles are clenched.

Your brow is damp, eyes squinting.  You’re on the hunt.

You are not racing.

You are hunting.

For a bathroom.

You are trying to not shit your pants.

You were running when it hit you unawares.  Now you’re desperate.

Your beautiful effortless stride is now a waddling, shuffling mess as you realize that your body is not equipped to simultaneously clench your bowels and move forward quickly.

Of all the times to be slow.

You’re hunting for a bathroom while out on a run and it’s…

THE WORST FEELING EVER.

The first thing you will do when it hits you is try to figure out how far you are from home.  

Too far.

Always too far.

Now you’re thinking of where you can go.

You can’t be picky.  I’ve used gas stations, restaurants, movie theaters, coffee shops, bike stores, porta johns, grocery stores, museums, hotels, gyms, construction sights, public rest rooms, even the woods.

Don’t judge.  Run enough miles and the shits will hit you unprepared.

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I once pretended to be an MIT student so security would let me into the Student Union.  What’s that award winning actor John Lithgow?

I once did the bow legged hobble for a mile until I spied a porta john 200 yards in the distance.  It was a hot, hot day.  The heat singed the ground, making distant objects look like they were shimmering.  I made it only to find the door bound by a pad lock.

I thought that because of my need I’d have the strength to rip the pad lock off the door.

Turns out that flight or fight super strength is fictional.  Entirely fictional.  I had to gingerly walk another mile to a coffee shop.

I can’t speak for the coffee served at Pavement Coffeehouse on 44 Gainsborough street but the baristas are kind hearted, wonderful people.  Tip them well.

I’ve had some close calls.  Hopefully some of the advice below will save you in a bind.

When you’re in a jam act like you own whatever place you head into.  Don’t ask, just do it.  Hotels don’t know if you’re a guest or not, people in restaurants are usually too busy to stop you.  If you act like you belong people won’t question it.

And if they give you a hard time? Try this face.

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Run at the same time every day.  Your bodies natural rhythm will protect you.

If you get into a jam look for one of the places I listed above.  My first spot to look for is a gas station or a construction sight.  Get there, and act like you own the place.

Know your run.  Once you’ve done a loop enough times you should have a good idea where to find water and where you can use the loo.  It’s hard enough to move when your in a bad way, but when you have to move and search?  Things get desperate quick.  My mind takes on Terminator vision as I size up each building and area while searching for the nearest bathroom.

Last of all DON’T PANIC.  I’ve had hundred of close calls and I’ve always managed to win out in the end.  Be smart, don’t push your luck and when most comes to worst there’s always the woods